Dr. John Gray | Wellness In Relationships: Testosterone, Estrogen, Semen Retention & Sexual Polarity

“If a woman is stressed, holding space for her means hearing what she has to say and providing a particular kind of loving support. Once women are on their independent side, they tend to always see what's wrong with you which means they don't trust you which makes it even harder for them to go to their female side and share emotions in a more positive way.” – Dr. John Gray

Wellness + Wisdom Episode 435

Author of Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus and his latest, Beyond Mars and Venus, Dr. John Gray, returns to share what has changed for him since his first interview on Wellness Force, how we can hold space in relationships, the four kinds of love, and how porn is hurting relationships.

What is the core of women? What is the core of men? How can we relate to one another? 

Find out as Dr. John Gray explores the masculine and feminine sexual polarities of our modern world.

If a woman is stressed, holding space for her means hearing what she has to say and providing a particular kind of loving support. When you do that, she can share her emotions in a more positive way. - Dr. John Gray of @MarsVenus Click To Tweet

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Listen To Episode 435 As Dr. John Gray Uncovers:

[1:30] Modern Relationship Dynamics

  • Dr. John Gray
  • Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus by Dr. John Gray
  • Beyond Mars and Venus by Dr. John Gray
  • 046 Dr. John Gray: ADHD, Brain Health, & Sex Addiction
  • What has changed for Dr. John since his first interview on Wellness Force.
  • The power of meditation, why he meditates sometimes up to 6 hours a day, and the training he received as a monk.
  • How breathwork has helped Josh become more centered in everyday events and conversations.
  • Different experiences we go through in romantic relationships and why we may find ourselves triggered later on compared to the beginning stages.
  • Why 90% of our triggers are often not caused by what happened to us today but trauma from the past that we still need to heal.
  • The different personal growth processes that men and women go through in life.
  • Exploring the different dynamics in our modern world for both partners working outside of the home.
  • The fact that a man's testosterone level and a woman's estrogen levels will be extremely low when they are stressed compared to happy and feeling fulfilled.
  • Why women's stress levels are on average twice as high as a man's when they're at work and that amount doubles when they're at home.
  • What happens biologically with our hormones when we are triggered.
  • How we might interpret things that bother us in a relationship to mean, “Oh, they must not love me.”

[24:00] Holding Space In Relationships

  • How we can hold space for our partners especially when they're stressed and feel triggered.
  • Why being in both our logical and emotional minds at the same time can lead to great happiness.
  • How we start to lose our logic when we begin and stay in a negative thinking mindset.
  • What to do and not to do when a female partner is upset.
  • The power of listening and telling your partner, “Help me understand that better,” when they're emotional and triggered.
  • Why the only way to grow is to get out of your comfort zone by feeling, acknowledging, and letting go of your limitations.
  • What to do when stuck, childhood traumas bubble up to the surface in our relationships.
  • Why a man's testosterone will actually go up when he listens to and helps his partner release and heal their present emotions.
  • The four emotions that will both release negativity very quickly and raise estrogen in a woman.
  • Why women experience automatic negative thoughts when they are in their masculine rather than feminine self.
  • Exploring a woman's different love needs and how their partners can fulfill them.
  • Children Are From Heaven by Dr. John Gray
  • How parents can set healthy boundaries and the right way to help their children understand their emotions when they're upset.
  •  The power of delayed gratification for both children and adults as a tool to practice emotional intelligence.

[43:00] The Four Kinds of Love

  • How a relationship can heal when there's constantly headbutting and complaining.
  • Why a man's testosterone goes down and estrogen goes up when they feel stuck.
  • Why Men Are the Way They Are by Warren Farrell Ph.D
  • The Boy Crisis by Warren Farrell Ph.D
  • Why men flee to protect their partner from the “fight” and the “dragon” inside of them.
  • How Josh teaches people to do circular breathing to help them during difficult relationship conversations.
  • Exploring the four kinds of love that women need: caring, respect, understanding, and reassurance to help keep their estrogen levels up.
  • How a man can be there for his partner and create a safe space by being cool, calm, and collected.
  • The incredible impact a man can feel when they're out of work or they don't feel appreciated or financially validated.
  • Why going out of one's comfort zone through action and behavior will help raise your testosterone levels.
  • How a man's estrogen levels will go up when they share their negative emotions (anger, sadness, despair).
  • Moments when negative emotions and anger can be sacred and not just a “wimp” emotion.

[53:00] How Polarity Creates Passion

  • How a woman being in her masculine all day working and being outside of the home (or from home) can impact her relationship with her partner.
  • The big surge of estrogen a woman will feel when she does something for her partner; no matter if it was something big or small.
  • How Dr. John would comfort his wife when she would have anxious thoughts about money and the future.
  • What creates passion in a relationship: our differences and being vulnerable.
  • Exploring what can hurt the attraction in a relationship: not trying to relate to one another and when a woman doesn't feel safe.
  • How chronic stress keeps us in a state of cortisol and negative mindsets.
  • What men can do to rebuild their testosterone levels including some alone time.
  • Why it's important for men to do things and be busy to help them feel more confident; especially if they're out of work.
  • Various exercises and things partners can do to heal and create a stronger relationship.
  • Why men need to spend more time alone and do something that challenges them in a healthy manner like an ice bath or a workout than women when they feel triggered.
  • The importance of doing a lot of little things for your female partner to help build their estrogen back up.
  • Why giving a woman 4 hugs a day will help keep their estrogen in regular supply and increase oxytocin.
  • The genie in a bottle method: A couple takes 10 minutes to allow the feminine partner to share little things the other can do for them like get a cup of tea or help answer phone calls.
  • Why it's important to not look at your female partner from your point of view but from her point of view.

[1:07:00] How Porn Is Hurting Relationships

[1:08:00] How to Build A Happy Relationship

  • How we can create greater acceptance and trust in relationships.
  • Why both partners need to be able to be responsible for their own happiness first and then turn to each other to raise each other up and feel even better about life; to go from good to great together.
  • The fact that men's testosterone levels are at their highest when they're single and then they go down a notch when they begin a committed relationship and then another notch when they have a child.
  • Why men can lose attraction to their partner if their testosterone levels are low.
  • The fact that a man cannot have a heart attack if their testosterone levels are balanced but can if they are lower.
  • How ejaculation impacts a man's testosterone and estrogen levels whether it's from sex or masturbation.
  • What happens to a woman's emotional and hormonal health when they're intimate with their partners and why reassurance is so important.
  • How a woman can dive deep and realize what other needs she has for connection in a relationship and not just intimate needs.
  • Why it's so important for women to give men space so that they can build their testosterone levels back up.
  • How to Get More Me-Time
  • Secrets to Great Sex 
  • How to Get Everything You Want in Relationships

Power Quotes From The Show

When a woman is on her masculine side after working her job all day, she holds onto negative emotions. Women need caring, understanding, respect, and reassurance. Reassurance is a key factor to keep that estrogen up. - Dr. John Gray of @MarsVenus Click To Tweet

How Men Can Be Better Communicators

“When you get angry, what is happening hormonally in your body? For men, your estrogen levels are going up and your testosterone levels are going down. Do you want to be seen as insecure or as a child? You're not seen as a big, powerful hero at that time. When you're cool, calm, and collected with pausing between responses in a conversation, that shows that you're trying to be understanding and caring to a woman. You're not trying to control her; you're providing her with the support she needs.” – Dr. John Gray

What Women Need

“When a woman is on her masculine side after working her job all day, she doesn't feel those negative emotions and they're all kept inside. Then, she comes home to her partner who is safer than the rest of the world and those negative emotions all come up and overreact on him. For your testosterone level to stay that high, you have to feel confident that you are loved. Women need caring, understanding, respect, and reassurance. Reassurance is a key factor to level their testosterone and keep that estrogen up.” Dr. John Gray

Why Relationships Are the Foundation of Growth

“The only way that you can grow is to step beyond where you were limited. Limitation is all of our negative beliefs, emotions, our greed, our selfishness, and all of our violence whether we hide it or not – it's all in there. Spiritual growth can only occur when you become aware of that, feel it, and know it. Feel it and know that it is not you. You have to let it go and there are all of these processes to do that. This is one of the reasons why relationships are the ultimate foundation of growth.” – Dr. John Gray


Links From Today's Show 


About Dr. John Gray

Dr. John Gray | Wellness In Relationships: Testosterone, Estrogen, Semen Retention & Sexual PolarityJohn Gray is the author of the most well-known and trusted relationship book of all time, Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus. USA Today listed his book as one of the top 10 most influential books of the last quarter century. In hardcover, it was the #1 best selling book of the 1990s. Dr. Gray’s books are translated into approximately 45 languages in more than 100 countries and continues to be a bestseller.

Dr. Gray has written over 20 books. His most recent book is Beyond Mars and Venus: new relationship skills for our complex modern world. His Mars/Venus book series has forever changed the way men and women view their relationships.

John helps men and women better understand and respect their differences in both personal and professional relationships. His approach combines specific communication techniques with healthy, nutritional choices that create the brain and body chemistry for lasting health, happiness and romance.

His many books, blogs and free online workshops at MarsVenus.com provide practical insights to improve relationships at all stages of life and love. An advocate of health and optimal brain function, he also provides natural solutions for overcoming depression, anxiety and stress to support increased energy, libido, hormonal balance and better sleep.

He has appeared repeatedly on Oprah, as well as on The Dr. Oz Show, TODAY, CBS This Morning, Good Morning America, and others. He has been profiled in Time, Forbes, USA Today, and People. He was also the subject of a three hour special hosted by Barbara Walters.

John Gray lives in Northern California, where for 34 years he happily shared his life with his beautiful wife, Bonnie, until her passing in 2018. They have three grown daughters and four grandchildren. He is an avid follower of his own health and relationship advice.


How to talk to a man so he will listen

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About Josh Trent

Josh Trent lives in Austin, Texas with his love Carrie Michelle, son Novah, and a cat named Cleo. He is the Founder of Wellness Force Media, host of the Wellness + Wisdom Podcast and the creator of the BREATHE: Breath & Wellness Program. Josh has spent the past 19+ years as a trainer, researcher, and facilitator discovering the physical and emotional intelligence for humans to thrive in our modern world. The Wellness Force Media Mission is to help humans heal mental, emotional, and physical health through podcasts, programs, and a global community that believes in optimizing our potential to live life well.

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