AMA: How To Love Yourself + Your Partner As You Both Change

Wellness + Wisdom Episode 637

Wellness + Wisdom Podcast Host and Wellness Force Media CEO, Josh Trent, shares what it takes to learn how to love yourself and your partner unconditionally as one of you decided to change and evolve.

Today's Question

Dana: You can love someone, but do you love them unconditionally when they want to change after 10, 15 years of marriage because they want something different now because they want a career?

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Listen To Episode 637 As Josh Trent Answers Your Questions

[00:00] Intro

Hey, what is up? This is Josh Trent. This is Wellness + Wisdom, the podcast where we gather, apply, and most importantly, y'all, embody these 5 sides that we get to nourish ourselves in. The physical, the mental, the emotional, the spiritual, and also the financial.

We signed up to master every single part of 1 of these 5 sides. Today is AMA number 637. We're talking about relationships. And this is a really, really timeless and timely episode.

[05:05] How To Love Yourself + Your Partner

All right, let's get into this question with Dana. We're just going to do this 1 question today for the AMA because it deserves a lot of depth and full transparency here.

Dana has written in a few times, she's recorded a few messages. Thank you, Dana, for being such a great part of this audience. Let's listen to the question from Dana.

The storybook we start out with before walking down the aisle evolves and changes. After about 15 years of marriage, maybe even 10 years of marriage. The spouse says, I don't like who you're being over time, one of them evolved.

The storybook started as, you know, I want my wife to stay home so she can raise our children. And one  day she wakes up and says, I need more. Not that I need you to give it to me, but I need to do something. And then comes a whole bunch of other stories, guilt. This isn't what I wanted, whatever.

And I've seen this over the years, working in people's homes and really paying attention to just the littlest how not hearing somebody not speaking up, it changes it. And it changes love, I believe, you know, you can love someone, but do you love them unconditionally?

Because they want to change because they want something different now because they want a career. It's just an idea.

It was cool it was more of like a statement rather than a but it's really really fun to expand upon because there is a quote and I don't know who it was from, but it goes something like this.

When it comes to love and relationships, specifically intimate relationships, 1 must be willing to die a thousand deaths to be able to love the person that is a rebirth each time.

And that is actually what I think Dana, you're touching upon. And for all of us that have been in 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, even decades-long relationships, you know that I'm speaking the truth.

When you look at relationships through a lens of true unconditional love, and this is something where we'll link in the show notes the episode that I did with Margo my lady, my mother, my children, my life partner, my everything, Carrie Michelle.

One thing that came up during that podcast that was birthed through me was the death of the old way that I saw love. I did not have the faculty, the emotional or mental faculty to actually love Carrie Michelle for who she was, because there was this element that really I was in fear of losing her. I was in fear of losing her.

I was in micro ways and some macro ways controlling the relationship. And it wasn't until I got very clear through the guidance of Margo running, through our support with the plant allies, through ceremony, through breath work, through presence, through doing the real work, which by the way is really hard, lots of tears, but lots of death, lots of death of the old version of myself.

And what I learned from this was, if I can unconditionally choose to unconditionally love her, starting with unconditionally loving myself, that is the ticket to freedom.

That is the ticket to liberation had to come to terms with, and it really was connected to my own death.
And I don't know if y'all can relate to this.

If you have a fear of dying, then that is your path to do work on because fear of dying really is just connected to sadness. It's just connected to sadness that you won't be able to make love with your partner again.

You won't be able to hold your children again. You won't be able to eat an orange naked on the top of a hillside when coming up. There are so many things that we won't get to do anymore.

And so instead of having anger or sadness or grief around the idea of death, understand that our fear of death Is connected to fear of loss in a relationship.

As we talked about with my mentor and with my friend Mark Tollefson, that we'll also link here in the show notes, it's not that we fear death, it's that we fear being in union with the not having the answer of what mystery wants when we're gone.

When we leave human form, there's an uncertainty. There's a not knowingness about where we go and what that is. And I think that's the way that the creator designed it, by the way.

So the connection between fearing our own death and accepting the death of each stage of a relationship, remember, we have to be willing to die a thousand deaths and fall in love with our man or woman over and over and over and over again because that is what love wants.

True unconditional love does not mean I will love you if.

True unconditional love does not mean I will only give you my love if.

True unconditional love just wants to express itself.

That's really what unconditional love is.

Now, many of us, and Mar, I'm sure you can relate to this. We grew up in situations with our parents, God bless them. We love them because they were doing the best they could with the level of consciousness they had at that and still are.

We were taught at a very young age that we bring into intimate relationships, Dana, by the way, we were taught at a very young age that we only get love if we do A, B, or C. We only get love if we operate in the way that our parents wanted us to operate in.

And what happens is we create a filter, an unconscious filter that we bring into our adult life. And we unknowingly, unknowingly, unconsciously project that filter onto our partner. Have you ever dealt with this personally, Mar?

Something that you learned from your mom or your dad or, you know, your caregivers that you can look back with on yourself and say, hmm, I definitely projected that onto my previous partner. I was definitely projecting a lot of things from my family.

And actually, my last relationship revealed a lot of that to me, so thanks to that relationship being so dysfunctional and so complicated, I was able to finally realize how many things I was projecting. And definitely one of them was abandonment. It was a big one.

So it's like everything I was doing was out of fear of losing that person. So it wasn't even love, I was motivated by something rather negative than something positive to be in that relationship because once I was able to get out of it and like look at it from a more neutral perspective without any feelings attached.

I didn't actually love the person. I just loved being in a relationship or being wanted and feeling like, okay, somebody chose me and that's what I was fighting for, not for the person.

Yeah, well, so I think we all can relate to this. I'm 44 years old and Dana, I don't know your age, but I don't, this applies to everyone, whether it's like, when do people start dating? I can't even imagine my daughter dating. I'm like, no, you're not dating until you're 25.

But it's probably, I would say 16, 17, 18, where people start to, or at least they think they fall in love. And then all the way up until your 90s, right? You can still get married and fall in love in your 90s or even 100 years old. And I think what this points to is the awareness of self.

You know, we talk about the physical, the mental, the emotional, the spiritual, and the financial in our Liberated Life Tribe. And I really feel like to have true liberation, we get to do the work to unconditionally love us first, first and foremost.

In Greek mythology and the temple at the Apollo, there is a phrase written in Greek and it says, know thy self.
And I think that's the ultimate wisdom that we can learn from our ancient masters is like they had it wired, they had it figured out on lockdown a long time ago.

They knew that unless you did not know yourself, then you would never be able to know thy lover or know thy life partner.

And so I think true sacred union and true intimacy in relationships can only be found when a human being is 2 things, 1, committed to their own growth, committed to their own self-love…

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About Josh Trent

Josh Trent lives in Austin, Texas with his love Carrie Michelle, son Novah, daughter Nayah + a cat named Cleo. He is the host of the Wellness + Wisdom Podcast and the creator of the BREATHE: Breath + Wellness Program. Josh has spent the past 20+ years as a trainer, researcher + facilitator discovering the physical and emotional intelligence for humans to thrive in our modern world. Helping humans LIBERATE their mental, emotional, physical, spiritual + financial self through podcasts, programs + global community that believe in optimizing our potential to live life well.

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